What Love Is
by Vinividivinci
Summary: It's only weeks before the wedding, but something has happened and Kate is falling apart. Can Castle convince her that everything will be okay and that they still have a future?
1. Chapter 1

_**This is my first Castle fic. I've been writing fan fic for a few years now (mostly Stargate Sg1). I just recently discovered Castle and fell in love with the characters - especially Rick Castle. For those of you who don't know me, I can tell you that my fics go from fluff to whump, depending on my mood.**_

_**A quick fact - my husband went to the same high school as Nathan Fillion (not at the same time unfortunately). Hope you enjoy and please**_** _review._**

He was worried. He wasn't quite sure what was wrong, but he knew there was something. He'd thought about calling, but he was pretty sure he'd get the usual 'everything's fine Castle' from her. No, he had to see her, to see for himself what it was. He began to throw his few clothes into his suitcase, did a last-minute check of the house and then locked up and headed to his car. If he didn't get stuck in traffic he should make it home in a couple of hours. With a concerned frown he put the key in the ignition and was soon on the road.

He'd only been down in the Hamptons for a couple of days, chased there by his loving fiancée and his not so loving ex-wife/publisher. He had chapters due – or rather _over_ due for his latest Nikki Heat novel, and with the wedding coming up in only a few short weeks he had to get working on it. The problem had been that he'd been much too distracted back in Manhattan. All the wedding planning, plus the never-seeming-to-end murders, kept him from concentrating on his work – at least on his _paid_ work.

"Oh, who are you kidding", he muttered to himself. The real reason – the _real_ distraction, was Beckett – Kate Beckett, the woman he loved, the woman he was going to marry, the woman who was the center of his world. He'd discovered that it was hard to _write_ Nikki when he was _living_ with her.

In the end it was Kate herself who had forced him to head to his house by the water. "Just go Castle! You need to get those chapters done because, believe me, I do _not_ want Gina calling us on our honeymoon."

Since he hadn't wanted that either – the definition of hell had to be having your ex-wife harass you while on your honeymoon with your _new_ wife – he'd agreed. Of course he'd moaned and groaned, whined and whimpered, and had even resorted to begging to keep from going, but in the end he'd known it was the right thing to do, the _only_ thing to do if he wanted to get the damn chapters written.

"No intriguing murders while I'm gone Beckett", he instructed her firmly, the twinkle well-disguised. "And don't go snooping through my stuff!" He narrowed his eyes at her and she'd laughed, knowing darn well he was kidding. In actual fact he had made it abundantly clear that she was welcome to _all_ of his stuff. He had nothing to hide from her, he'd told her, not any longer. If anything he had trouble getting her to accept that what was his was now hers.

Kate Beckett didn't want it to look as if she was with Richard Castle because of his money or his fame – something which was both unusual and incredibly touching to him. In reality he had never, ever suspected her of that. She was a private person, unconcerned about fame and one not particularly interested in money or possessions.

Except shoes.

He'd grinned at that thought, knowing she found it almost impossible to resist the allure of a good heel. He thought back to her birthday, when he'd presented her with a Manolo Blahnick credit card. He had seen the intense struggle she'd had to accept it – but in the end she'd given him a passionate kiss, grinned and put it in her wallet. He'd definitely found her weak spot and he planned on exploiting that for all it was worth.

His attention returned to his fiancée when she spoke, although the thought of Kate in those stilettos, and little else, remained with him.

"Well, since Martha is gone and Alexis is staying with friends for a couple of weeks, I'll have free run of your place", she informed him. She moved closer to him and gently ran her hands down the front of his shirt. "What if I _want_ to go through your drawers?" Since her hand had moved down – strategically down – at that point, he was pretty sure she didn't mean his dresser drawers.

He yelped, softly, and then grinned and moved closer, pressing himself up against her. "You can go through my drawers anytime my dear! Remember, what's mine is _definitely_ yours."

Of course that had led to a long _non-_discussion – after which they'd gotten something to eat and had spent the rest of the evening snuggled up, watching movies. He got up the next morning to make her breakfast and coffee and then kissed her as she headed out the door for work. He couldn't help the smirk – they had become so domestic, and he loved it.

"Now be good and _write_ Castle", she'd told him. "No murders, no fan-girls and no Xbox! _WRITE_."

"Okay, okay", he'd agreed, grabbing her gently and pulling her towards him once more. "I'll miss you Detective Fan-girl of mine."

"I'll miss you too, Partner", she leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss. "But it will only be for a few days and then -" her voice throbbed, sounding sultry with hidden meaning.

"And then?" he'd asked, his imagination running instantly to all sorts of wonderful scenarios for when he returned. God – how was he going to do without her for three whole days?

"And _then_", she moved her lips until they were gently tickling his cheek when she talked, "we'll write out all the table cards, get the last minute fittings for my dress and your tux, confirm the music choices -"

"Okay, okay", he groaned. "I'm not really going to be able to spend _fun _time with you until _after_ the wedding, am I?"

She grinned and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "Just think of the anticipation! And after the wedding we'll have two glorious weeks, in our own tropical paradise with no preparations, no writing, no -"

"Pesky friends, relatives or murderers?"

"Right", she laughed and pulled away. "Now I've got to go and so do you. Drive safely Rick, and call me when you get in."

So, he thought as the car headed back towards Manhattan, things had been fine when he'd left. She'd been happy, carefree – happier than he'd ever seen her. So what had changed? When he spoke to her last evening she'd sounded brittle. He could tell she was trying hard to sound as if things were fine – she said all the right things – but behind the front there was something serious, something wrong. And he was afraid.

It had taken them four years to finally admit to themselves and to each other that they were meant to be. Well, technically it had taken Beckett that long. He'd known it long before that, but had had to wait for her. Thank God he was a patient man or else he'd have given up years ago. As it was, he'd waited and in the end had received the greatest gift – along with Alexis – of his life. He hated being maudlin, but it was true that she was the love of his life, his soul mate, his 'one and done'. She made him a better man, a better human being. With her he wanted to be so much more than Richard Castle, mystery writer. He wanted to be someone who made a difference – who could, in a small way, change the world.

Kate was his light, his beacon, his _everything_. But there was a small corner of his heart – a small, dark corner - that he barely acknowledged and never spoke about. In that corner was doubt – doubt that Kate could love someone like him as much as he loved her, doubt that she was better for knowing him, or that he was _her_ everything.

He knew if he told her this she'd deny it, absolutely and completely. She would probably reach out and slug him! He also admitted that on most days he didn't see that corner. He trusted her – he did – but still there was a part of him that was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to wake up and realize she could do so much better than a man who hadn't really done much good in his life. Except Alexis – always Alexis – without a doubt his best creation.

His mind flipped back to Beckett and what could possibly be wrong. He didn't think that she had simply woken up yesterday morning and started to have doubts about marrying him. She'd seemed much too secure and happy for that to have happened on its own. Nope – something must have occurred and he had to find out what it was.

He fumbled for his cell phone, almost causing him to side-swipe another car. The driver blasted him with her horn, and all he could do was wave and mouth 'sorry' to her. In a moment he'd retrieved the phone and hit speed dial. He had to find out what the hell was going on.

"Esposito", the voice answered.

"Espo! Hi, it's -"

"Castle. Yeah I recognize your voice. What can I do you for?"

"Uh – I'm just wondering – how's everything going?" He grimaced – could he be any more lame?

"How's things going?" Esposito asked, the laughter clear in his voice. "You missin' us or something Bro?"

"Yeah – kind of. I guess I'm not much in the mood for writing."

"Well you'd better start!" his friend said forcibly. "You've got a wedding coming up in a few weeks – and more importantly, you have a bachelor party to look forward to. If ya don't get those chapters written that ex-wife o' yours'll have your balls for breakfast!"

"Yeah", Castle groaned. "I know. I did get almost two chapters written but just wanted to check to see if – you know – things were okay."

There was a short silence and then a more serious sounding Esposito replied. "Is something wrong Castle? You and Beckett didn't have a fight did you?"

"What? No – no of course not. Everything's fine." He stopped and the silence on the other end made him grimace. "Hell. It's just – I talked to Kate and she sounded – I don't know – worried or upset or something. I just wanted to see if something had happened at work."

"Nah, not that I know", the detective told him. "I mean, she did seem a bit quiet today, but she didn't seem _upset_. Probably just wedding nerves."

"Yeah", he answered, sounding, even to his own ears, morose. "That's probably it. Just – nerves."

"Hey Bro – you're not sittin' there thinkin' she's having second thoughts or something, are you? Cause I can assure you she's not. Look Castle – sometimes I've given you a hard time, but I know you're the right one for her. She's – better with you – and I mean that in every way. She loves you. I'm sure she's just a bit overwhelmed. I mean, marrying you _has_ to be overwhelming!"

Rick laughed – appreciating what Espo was trying to do. In fact it _did_ help to hear what the other man thought. Still, he knew he wasn't wrong and something was going on. He let out a quiet breath. "Thanks", he said. "I'm probably just feeling those nerves too."

"Even on your third? I'd have thought you'd be used to this by now!"

"Hey – it may be my third", he'd quipped, "but it's my first to Beckett!"

"Yeah, that'd make any man nervous. Look, I'll keep an eye on her for you, okay? If there's something really wrong I'll let you know."

"Thanks Esposito – I owe you."

"Yup. Knick's tickets or the use of the Ferrari are both great ways of paying me back."

He laughed again. "You've got it!"

After he hung up the phone he realized he _did_ feel better, although he was still heading home and he was still going to get to the bottom of this.


	2. What Love Is

Kate let herself into the loft and immediately kicked off her shoes. She breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed onto the couch. It had been a busy day and she was tired – exhausted – and wanted nothing more than to relax and forget – everything – right now. She was pretty sure that wasn't going to happen, not with what was circling around in her mind. She'd barely slept the night before and was pretty sure she wasn't going to tonight either, or to stop thinking about it.

"Damn", she muttered softly. How had things gotten to this point? Everything was going so well – so perfectly – and then _wham_. "Your life is just messed up Kate, admit it."

She took a deep breath and sighed again. After a few minutes she looked around and it hit her. This was the first time she'd been here, totally on her own. Oh, she'd been here for brief moments when Rick had run out on an errand, but she'd never stayed here without him. Martha and Alexis were both gone – Martha at a week-long acting retreat in California and Alexis off on a summer internship in Washington – and the place was all hers.

She slowly stood up and started wandering around. It still felt strange, unreal. This was going to be her home, _was_ her home but it hadn't really sunk in yet. She still felt like a visitor, like a _girlfriend_ even though she'd all but moved out of her own apartment. Right now it was full of boxes, just waiting to be taken to storage or brought here. But for now this still felt like Castle's place, his domain, his abode. She grinned – he was rubbing off on her with all the words.

She knew that he would hate it that she didn't quite feel that she belonged yet. He wanted her to feel like this was as much her place as his. She smiled gently. She'd get there – she hoped. Once they were married, and once more of her things were spread around she figured she'd start feeling totally at ease.

Rick had already suggested that she could redecorate if she wanted, recognizing that it would feel more theirs and less his if she did so. He'd pretty much given her carte blanche, except for lion (she grinned at that) and boba fett. She'd given in on lion – although one day she'd convince him that it was creepy – she would _not_ give in on boba fett. At least she wasn't going to give in to having it removed from the ensuite. There was no way she wanted to look at that thing while relaxing, ensconced in bubbles.

Eventually she would do some redecorating but she wanted to take it slowly. As much as Rick claimed he was okay with it, she figured it would still be hard for him. The loft – his home – held all sorts of memories for him and for Alexis. And she was the other reason Kate decided to go slow. Castle's daughter had been great about the two of them, but she was conscious that she didn't want to make the young woman feel as if she was being replaced.

As if she could be, thought Kate. That instantly got her thinking again and – crap – she felt like she wanted to either throw up or break down in tears. Why now? Why her?

She continued to wander through the loft, looking at all the things that were Rick's. He was such an interesting man, she thought for the umpteenth time. He had such eclectic tastes – from stuff that a ten year old boy would covet – to classical Russian novels, books on philosophy and religion and science. She could only imagine what an interesting and varied upbringing Alexis had had with a father like Richard Castle.

She smiled. One of the things she'd liked about him, right from the beginning, was the intense love he had for his daughter. He was a wonderful father, which of course brought on the sniffles. "Damn", she said again. "Stop it Kate!"

Suddenly thinking about Alexis and what it must have been like to grow up with Castle made her curious to _see_ what it had been like. He must have photos around, she reasoned. He loved his toys and he adored Alexis so there had to be pictures.

She made her way to his office, assuming that's where they'd be. It didn't take her long to find them, arranged neatly on the bottom shelf of his book case, right under the collection of his own works.

Starting on the left she pulled out what looked like an older album. After a moment's thought she grabbed two more and made her way back to the living room. Maybe this would take her mind off things, off of how scared she was, off of the fact that she'd royally screwed up.

She left the albums on the coffee table and made her way slowly to the kitchen. She wasn't hungry, _knew_ she couldn't eat, but she had to get something to drink. She glanced over at the cupboard where he – _they_ – kept the wine, but shook her head. No, that's the last thing she needed. Instead she opened the refrigerator and pulled out the juice. Taking a glass back with her she plunked down and pulled the first book towards her.

And immediately smiled when she opened the page to a tiny, completely naked Richard Castle. She couldn't help the burst of delighted laughter when she saw the dimpled little cheeks – both sets of them. He was so damned cute it almost killed her.

She began to slowly flip through the album, gazing at pictures of Rick as he grew from the tiny, adorable baby, to the bigger but still adorable little boy. She saw that Castle grin – or she guessed it would have been a Rodgers grin back then – and the twinkle in his eyes. He looked sweet and full of mischief, just the same as he was now.

There were a number of pictures of a young Martha, although it was amazing how good the woman still looked. Kate assumed it was good genes, although she wouldn't have been surprised that a few shots of botox and filler helped Martha look as young as she still did.

She closed the first book and went on to the next and the next. More of Rick – growing into a gawky pre-adolescent and then teenager. He had obviously grown up before growing out and was all gangly limbs, big feet and pimples. He was adorable.

Then there were the high school pictures, including a number of photos from various clubs and activities. It was obvious his interests had been more academic than athletic, although there were some pictures of him fencing. Yup – that was definitely the kind of thing he would do. His graduation photos were next and finally what looked like photos from his college days.

The last photo in the album was a picture of a grinning Richard Castle, holding his first novel – which in a few short months had hit the best seller list. God, the man had been so young to have been catapulted into that kind of fame and fortune. It was a wonder he'd retained the goodness and sweetness that characterized him. She had to give a toast – with orange juice – to his Mother, who had kept him grounded and loved.

She sighed and put down the last album, feeling somewhat better, although she knew that was more because of the distraction than because she really had a handle on what was happening. After another long sip of juice she pushed herself up. This was helping, a little, so she might as well continue. She made her way back into the office and grabbed another pile of albums. Soon she would have seen his whole life in pictures.

She paused momentarily. Did she _want_ to see everything? There would certainly be pictures of him with his ex-wives, and even, possibly with various girlfriends. Would that be like rubbing salt into a wound?

"Get real Beckett', she muttered to herself. "It's not like you don't _know_ that he's been with lots of other women but, like he'd told her once, they weren't her. She had to keep that thought – and spend the rest of her life making sure that he didn't ever want anyone _but _her. He was her 'one and done' and she was going to make damn sure she was his.

She sat down again – feeling tired and half sick. Refusing to think about anything else she opened the album, this time to see a picture of a tiny baby, cradled in the arms of an impossibly young-looking Rick. It was Alexis, without a doubt, and one of the cutest pictures she'd ever seen. Alexis' newborn eyes were huge as she gazed up at her father – probably the only thing she could see at that point. Her head was bald – but she was still absolutely precious. Oh Rick – you make beautiful babies!

She couldn't help but smile gently at the look of adoration on the man's face. He had his eyes on the little girl – she could only have been hours old – in total wonder. Good God, she thought, he could only have been 21 or 22 at the time – way too young to have the responsibility for a wife and child. And yet, he'd done such a wonderful job – at least with Alexis. Sadly the marriage hadn't lasted. She suddenly choked – hell it was a good thing it hadn't or she wouldn't be here!

She began to flip through more of the pictures, chuckling at how many there were at every single stage of the young girl's life. At this rate she'd only be a couple of months old by the end of the album. It took her a while to notice that there were hardly any photos of Meredith. There were a couple, but she was always in the background. Kate supposed that she'd gotten the photos with her and Alexis in the divorce. Still, it made her feel a bit better that there weren't a bunch of photos with him and his ex.

She continued to thumb through all the photos – often laughing, sometimes feeling choked up at the obvious love Castle had for the little girl. She was clearly his life, and that hadn't changed. The man had such capacity for love. She realized again how lucky she was. It also struck her, as she looked at the pictures, that there was little record of his marriages and none of his girlfriends. There was one or two with Gina, but again she was in the background. He probably hadn't wanted anything to remind him of those times – or at least a record of them where Alexis could find them. On the other hand, she wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't have anything of them because they hadn't meant that much to him. Oh, he'd tried she knew – but he had confessed to her that he hadn't really been in love – deeply in love – with either wife. He hadn't really talked to her about it, but she was slowly beginning to realize that as much as he had lived the life of a playboy, in fact Rick was, at heart, a family man. He craved it and had looked for it – hence the marriages – but hadn't found the right woman.

Until her.

She hated herself for how glad she was of that fact.

She only realized how long she'd been looking at photos when it became too dark to see them clearly. She glanced at her watch and was surprised to realize she'd been here for hours. She'd seen Rick's life – or at least his family life – and she had grown to love him even more. He was a good man, a caring man and a wonderful father. She let out a small sob. He was so much better than her – so much more capable of loving and being loved. How could she do this? How could she stick him with someone so fearful, so lost, so – so incapable?

She leaned over, her head pressed against the back of the couch, and began to cry. She couldn't do this.

It had taken longer to get into the city than he had hoped. He'd hit a major traffic jam – he'd assumed there was a major accident but it had turned out to be nothing more than a fender-bender. Still, it had slowed things down and he'd been travelling for over 3 hours. He debated about giving Kate a call, but then decided not to. Knowing her she'd put on her mask by the time he arrived and he wouldn't find out what was really going on. This way he hoped to surprise her and get her to open up to him.

At least he wasn't afraid of walking in on anything – like he had with Meredith. He trusted her completely, knew she'd never hurt him like that. No – Kate was honest and faithful – she was just frightened of experiencing joy and of believing that happiness was within her grasp. He'd made it his life's work to prove to her that it was.

By the time he hit the hallway outside the loft he was tired, and worried, and – scared. He swallowed and then put the key into the lock.

She didn't hear him come in. She was sitting in the dark, her face pressed up against the back of the couch. At first he wondered if she'd fallen asleep, but the glow from the outside lights had illuminated her face and he could see her eyes shining in the darkness. They were filled with tears, and his heart felt like it was breaking.

"Kate?"

At first she thought she was dreaming. She heard his voice and a huge weight lifted from her heart. She sat still, just letting the feeling wash over her. It was as her name was repeated, and she heard the sound of his footsteps approach that she realized – he was really here.

"Castle?" She sat up slowly, still not quite sure if this wasn't a dream. "Why are you here? You're not supposed to be here until tomorrow evening." She scrubbed her cheeks, trying to erase the evidence of her tears.

He sat beside her and slowly pulled her towards him. "I knew something was wrong", he said gently. "So I came home."

She nodded. Yes, that was her Castle. "Of course you did", she hiccupped, half crying, half laughing. "How do you _do_ that?" she asked, suddenly.

"Do what?"

"_Know_. How do you always know when I need you?"

"Because I love you Kate." He held her tightly, wanting desperately to ask her what was wrong, why she was sitting here crying. But he knew her too well, he knew he'd have to wait for her to be ready to tell him. "And because I'll always be here for you."

"Will you?" she asked softly, resting her head against his chest. "Even if I screw up?"

"Especially then", he told her, kissing the top of her head. "That's what love is Kate. It's easy to love someone when things are going perfectly – it's more important to love each other when we – screw up. I mean, I expect you to keep loving me even when I do – stupid things – not that I _do – _but just in case."

She giggled. "Of course you don't. But if you _do_ I will keep loving you, I promise."

He sighed and rested his head on her. Thank God – whatever it was, it wasn't about him. He hadn't lost her. "So – what's up?"

He heard the soft sob, and cursed silently. "Kate? He pulled her away slightly, so he could see her face. "What is it? What's wrong?" He couldn't let her suffer, he had to know.

"I screwed up Castle."

"O – kay. Can you tell me about it?"

She nodded. "I have to. I mean – you'll find out anyway. Oh Rick, I'm so sorry. I didn't plan on this but – it just happened. I know you wanted – didn't want – oh God, I'm so sorry."

"Uh Kate – you're kind of scaring me here. _What_ happened?"

She sniffed and then sat up straight. She wiped her face with her hands and then sat back so she was no longer touching him. He wanted to protest but realized she probably needed her space.

"You know how we talked about having time together – to get to know one another and really _enjoy_ being a couple? The last few years have been so crazy and I wanted so much to just love you and be your wife and be – and be with you."

"Yes", he frowned. Where was this heading? He could feel a sense of dread start to settle in his stomach. "We can still have that Kate."

"Yes – no – I mean, not like we'd planned."

"Why not? Kate – what is it?"

She looked at him, her lip between her teeth. He could tell she was frightened but was trying to gather the courage. She licked her lips and opened her mouth – but then closed her eyes.

"Kate", he entreated, feeling like he was going to implode.

"Sorry, sorry", she murmured. Her eyes opened. "I'm – pregnant."


	3. To Be A Mother

_**Thank you so much to all of you who added this story (or me) to your alert list. It's great to know people are enjoying this fic. I'm realizing that each fandom is slightly different – and I've gotten used to my readers and buddies in the Stargate world . A big thank you to those of you who knew me from there and reviewed my Castle story. You're great folks.**_

_**Also a thank you to my new readers. But a short plea – as wonderful as it is to have people add this story to their alerts, it's even nicer for an author to get reviews. It's the reason we write – so…. Here's begging for more for my next chapter. Tell me what you think. All constructive criticism (especially since this is my first Castle fic) is greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone!**_

He felt almost light-headed with relief. He'd been imagining all sorts of things – from her deciding that he wasn't worth it to even – in the darkest moments – that she'd met someone else. He hadn't, in his wildest imagination, thought of this.

She was _pregnant_? He blinked, not quite sure how to react – or even how to feel. He had a momentary flashback to when he'd heard the same words from his girlfriend of just over 4 weeks – Meredith – and the utter terror that had consumed him then.

This time there wasn't the terror but he wasn't quite sure _what_ he felt. He'd always known he'd wanted a family with Kate. He loved kids and was excited, thrilled about the idea of having more. They'd even talked about it – although it had been a rather general – 'yeah, I want kids someday', conversation. But he certainly hadn't expected it to happen quite so soon. It was startlingly clear, from her reaction, that she hadn't either. She had wanted to wait and well … _that_ obviously wasn't going to happen, not now.

God! The deed is done. The die is cast. He's going to be a daddy again.

"Castle?"

Her frightened voice pulled him out of his shock –at least enough to look at her. "Huh?" Maybe he'd misunderstood? This could be a joke, a gag, like his birthday party. He glanced around, almost expecting their friends to jump out and say 'surprise'. When that didn't happen, and Kate again called his name he tried to gather his thoughts and answer her.

"Sorry." He pushed his hands through his hair, mussing up his perfect style without giving it a thought for once. "Uh – what did you say?" There – he'd better make sure he'd gotten it right.

"I said I'm _pregnant_." He could hear the strain in her voice and suddenly wanted to hug her. By the look of her – by the arms she had wrapped around herself – she wasn't expecting a hug from him. He wasn't quite sure if she was avoiding him, or frightened that he wouldn't want to give her one.

He sighed and shook his head. What the hell was wrong with him? He _loved_ her – and he was going to have a child with her. So what if it was happening sooner than expected. It was going to be great and he was sitting here acting like an idiot. He tried to pull himself together.

"Uh – when? How?" he mumbled. He closed his eyes in frustration. Could he sound any more stupid?

"I think it was – after I was taken by – after Simmons."

He remembered back to that horrible time, just a few short weeks ago. He'd been so terrified that he'd lose her – and he had hated what they had done to her. He'd wanted to kill them, slowly and painfully – and he knew he could have done it if he'd only had the chance.

"Oh", he gave her a crooked smile, trying to forget – and hopefully make her forget as well – that awful time. "I guess it was the celebration after you made it out alive."

"Yeah", she gurgled, although she sounded closer to tears than to laughter. "I'm so sorry. In all the - I must have – forgotten to take my pill. I was still so – so – you know, and I didn't think. I'm sorry."

"Hey", he pulled her to him, suddenly unable to bear it. "It's not your fault. Hell, it's not anyone's _fault_. And anyway, I'm as responsible for this as you are – more, probably, because I think I was the one who wanted to – celebrate. I know you wanted more time to get used to the idea of having kids, and for that _I'm_ sorry Kate but – it's still a wonderful thing. I mean, you're going to have my baby!" It suddenly struck him – oh God, it was true – he was going to have a child with her. A surge of joy washed over him and he wanted to laugh – and to shout. He wondered if the neighbors would call the cops if he opened a window and told New York that he was going to have a child with Kate Beckett.

"But Rick – I _can't_", she whimpered.

He frowned and pulled back slightly. "Uh – what do you mean Kate? You obviously _can_, if you're pregnant already." And didn't that send another surge through him – this time of manly pride that _he'd_ made her pregnant.

"No – I mean – I can't be a mother. I'm no good at it. You saw me around Cosmo – I didn't even want to hold him."

"That was only because you weren't used to babies. A lot of women, and probably more men, are in that situation. When the baby comes it's totally different. Kate, this will be _your_ baby, your child. You said yourself it'll be different."

"But what if it isn't? What if I'm a terrible mother? I spent the evening looking through your old photo albums", she pointed to the books all over the coffee table and on the floor. "I _saw_ what a wonderful father you were – you are. You're so good at it."

"Kate", he sighed. "When Alexis was born I wasn't good at anything. I was _terrified_. I had no idea what to do and Meredith – well, she was even worse. I was just a kid, for God's sake, a kid playing at being a father. But you know what – as soon as I looked at Alexis, I was filled with such love that it didn't matter that I was essentially useless. I just knew I had to love her, and that's what I did."

"I _see_ you Rick. I know you love Alexis, but it's more than that. You're a natural with kids. They instinctively love you. How can I compete with that?"

"You don't have to Kate. In fact, it's not a competition at all. It's about loving each other, about supporting each other – and about relying on the other's strengths as we bring up our child together. There will be some things I may be better at – and yes, I have experience, although as you probably saw with Cosmo, I've forgotten a lot. But there will be things you're way better at Kate. I _know_ you. I know you'll be a great Mom."

He could tell, from the slight shake of her head and the fact that she wouldn't meet his eyes, that she didn't believe him. He sighed, wondering what it was going to take.

"What was your mom like?" he asked suddenly.

She looked at him, surprised. She'd told him about her mother, mostly in the context of her murder and the subsequent investigation. She couldn't remember how much she'd actually told him about who her mother was and what she'd been like. She shifted slightly, wondering whether or not she could do this. Now that Bracken was behind bars, and she'd gotten justice for her mother, she thought that maybe it was time to bring out the happy memories. Some days she had forgotten that there was a time before the murder. She sighed.

"She was – amazing", Kate said softly, her eyes staring as if looking off into the distance. "We were so close, even during my teen years. Lots of my other friends had fights with their moms – and would bitch and complain about them. By my mom and I were always best friends. We used to do things together all the time. She loved to shop – especially for shoes!" she looked up at that and gave a tiny grin. Castle returned it.

"So, that's where you get it."

"Mmm hmm', she nodded. "She also loved to go to museums or to simply go for walks. I think her favorite past-time though, was reading."

"What kind of books?" he asked gently.

"Just about anything, although she was a sucker for mysteries."

"Of course – also like her daughter", he waggled his eyebrows and she laughed. He could feel the tension in his shoulders begin to loosen.

"Actually, yes. And you know who one of her favorite authors was?"

"Let me guess – an incredibly and ruggedly handsome mystery writer by the name of -"

"James Patterson", she nodded, and then gurgled at his expression. "No, or course it wasn't him –it was you. She was the one who introduced me to your works in the first place. We used to sit around and daydream about Derrick Storm."

"Aha – so you really _are_ a Fan-girl."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't let it go to your head Castle", she told him.

"Did you ever stand in line to get my autograph – I mean, other than – you know", he grimaced slightly, remembering the time when he hadn't seen her for three months - and hating that memory.

She grimaced as well and gently squeezed his hand. "Mmm – wouldn't you like to know?"

"Katherine Beckett – you did, didn't you. You know that I'll find that book one day, don't you? I wanna see what I wrote." He wanted to keep things light and he could tell that Beckett appreciated that and was trying to go along with it.

"Not gonna happen Castle", she told him, laughing, although there was still a hitch to her voice.

He could tell that she was trying hard, for his sake, to appear as if she was okay. He could also tell that she was close to falling apart. "We'll see", he answered softly. "So, tell me some more about your mom."

There was a brief pause while Kate seemed to think deeply about what to tell him. "Well, she was the heart and soul of our family. Oh, I loved my dad – still do of course, but mom – she was warm and funny and knew how to make people feel good about themselves and about life. She brought _joy_ to everyone around her." She stopped as if in deep thought and then raised her eyes to his, an intense expression reflected in them. "That's why I fell in love with you, you know. You're like that too."

He swallowed, knowing that there was no way, at this moment that he could speak. What she'd just said – they were perhaps the most humbling words anyone had ever spoken to him. "Thank you", he finally ground out, his voice breaking. "That means – more than you know."

"Of course, you can also drive people crazy", she allowed her mouth to lift, although the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. After a moment she reached over and again took his hand. "She could always make us laugh – her _stories_ – they were wonderful. She and I used to go for walks and create whole worlds, just looking at the people and the scenery around us. It was a magical childhood, in many ways."

It was then that something happened in his heart. That dark corner where the doubt lived, suddenly vanished. For the first time Rick felt confident that he _was_ the right man for her, that he had what she needed. She had just told him that he was like her mother. When she had talked about the stories they'd created together he _knew_.

When he'd first met Kate Beckett she'd been wounded, damaged by the death of her mother. She'd built strong walls around herself, walls that wouldn't let anyone in, wouldn't let anyone love her. Because to her, that meant loss – and it was something she didn't want to face ever again.

And then he'd come barreling into the picture. Richard Castle – immature playboy, child in a man's body, father, son, and _storyteller_. He realized, with blinding clarity, that he was exactly what she had needed then, what she needed now – someone to bring back magic and wonder, joy and _stories_ back into her life. No wonder she had fought him so hard. She had seen – even if not consciously – that he was dangerous, that if anyone could tear down those carefully constructed walls it was him.

He finally reached over and pulled her closer. Putting his feet up on the couch he turned her until she was lying back, sitting between his legs, her back resting up against him. "You loved your mother", he said softly, into her ear. It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact. "You loved her, and she loved you. It sounds like you had a wonderful childhood, and a wonderful mother who brought you tremendous joy. She also gave you incredible gifts Kate. She raised a daughter who believes in honor, and justice; who feels compassion for others and believes in doing good. She raised a daughter who knows how to be a good and loyal friend, a fierce advocate for what is right – and most importantly, she raised a daughter who knows how to love."

There was a soft sob from Kate and she turned her head until she was pressed against his heart. He held her closer.

"And you know what Kate – I know your mom is up there somewhere, so proud of what you've become, so proud that you brought her justice, but you didn't let the fight destroy you."

"I almost did", she whispered.

"Almost doesn't count. You _didn't_. You came out of it stronger and better. But you know what?"

He could feel her shake her head, although she didn't speak. "Now it's time to move on and to take all those things your mother taught you – all the gifts she gave you – and pass them on to her grandchild. Kate, you may _think_ you don't know how to be a mother, but in here", he put his hand on her chest, over her heart, "you _do_. You do because your mother taught you how to be the best mother there is. And if you think she's proud of you now, I can assure you she'll be even more proud of you when she sees that you've taken all that she was, all that she gave you, and gave it in turn to your son or daughter."

He stopped talking then, not sure if he'd gotten through to her, or if any of it meant anything to her. He understood – she was frightened, and probably disappointed at getting pregnant so soon – but he'd keep telling her, keep convincing her, until one day she believed it.

"God", she whispered, turning until she was lying on top of him, chest to chest, her face pressed fully into him. "How do you _do_ that Castle?" repeating her words of earlier. "How do you know how to say exactly the right thing?"

"Uh – I guess cause I'm a writer?" He tried to lift his head to look at her, but it was an awkward angle. As it was, he wasn't quite sure how she was doing.

"No." This time she lifted her face until she was peering directly at him. "It's because you're amazing. You are a beautiful man you know – and _that's _why you know exactly the right things to say to make me believe."

"Believe?"

"That I can be a mother. That I won't be an absolute failure at it. That I'll have my mother with me on this new journey." She stopped for a moment and then leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you so much!"

"I love you too Kate."

The two of them lay there for a long time, the darkness shadowing them as they simply loved. They both – finally – felt at peace, surrounded by the presence of one another and, they knew, by the spirit of Johanna Beckett.

It was only when Castle began to feel the need to move from the awkward position that he made a sound and attempted to shift.

"Am I squashing you?" she asked lazily.

"Well, as much as I normally _like_ to be squashed by you, right now I -"

"But you said 'always', Castle", she interrupted with a grin.

"Hey, that was, 'I'll always love you', or 'I'll always be there for you', _not_ 'I'll always let you lie on top of me and squash me."

She sighed and leveraged herself up. "How fickle men are."

He snorted and when he'd stood – and stretched, with a groan – he turned to her. "Me _fickle_? I'll have you know I'm the most constant, _faithful_ man you'll ever meet."

Her face grew serious and she put her hand out to gently stroke down his cheek. "I know. Thank you."

"Always", he replied, a small smile bringing out the crinkles by his eyes. He stared at her for a moment and then his smile turned to a grin. "And on that thought – excuse me! I've just spent the last hour with this big lump on top of me and I need to go!"

By the time Rick returned, Kate had begun to take the photo albums back to his study. "So, what did you think of all my pictures", he asked as he began to help her carry them.

She smirked and waggled her brows. "That a naked baby Castle is the cutest thing in the whole world!"

"Of course it is", he nodded, looking serious. "And you know what Kate?" he said as he put the last album away and turned towards her. "You're going to get to see another one in about", he thought for a moment, "8 months."

She swallowed and stared. Damn, she'd almost forgotten what this whole thing was about. She was _pregnant. _"Are you – unhappy about it? I mean, disappointed – you know, that we didn't wait?"

He took her hands and walked to the chair, sitting down and drawing her with him. "Listen to me carefully Kate – and _believe_ me. I am absolutely _not_ unhappy, or disappointed or mad or sorry or _any_ of those things. What I am is thrilled, excited, in shock, a little scared and the happiest man in the world. There's _nothing_ and I repeat _nothing_ I want more than to have kids with you", his eyes suddenly narrowed, "Okay, having sex with you is up there too. But right here, right now, there is nothing that could make me happier than this."

"But – we said we would wait."

"Because that's what I thought you wanted. I knew that the idea of having kids scared you, and I hoped to ease you into the idea using my charm and influence."

"What ch-"

"Shhh", he told her, pressing his lips to hers to stop her words. "As far as I'm concerned, we've had six years together, the last two as a couple. I love spending time with you, but a child doesn't take away from that – okay, so it might take away a _bit_ of alone time, and sex, and sleep, and – but the important thing is -"

"Is what?"

He reached out and placed his hand – reverently – on her stomach. "We're having a baby Kate – the two of us have created a wonderful new life. That can _never_ be a bad thing."

"What if it has your personality?"

"Okay, so that would be a bad thing! But as long as it has my looks, and your personality, we'll be fine."

She laughed and leaned into him. "I'd be happy if it had _some_ of your personality."

"What parts?" he asked with a laugh and a kiss.

She grew serious. "Your joy, your sense of wonder, your nurturing and caring – you really are a mother hen at times, you know. And – there's your intelligence which is quite impressive. And yes, it can have your blue eyes. They're very attractive."

"Why thank you!" he said with a roll of the eyes. "Anything else?"

"Hmm? Well, as long as she or he has my scrabble abilities -"

"Hey no _way_. Those are _mine_. Just because you got lucky a couple of times doesn't mean you are the master. Nope, our child is gonna take after me in the scrabble department."

"Okay fine. But it gets to take after my poker -"

"HA! No way. Poker is _also_ mine."

"Fine – then what do I get?"

"Um – how about – Go Fish?"

She hit him then and for the next few minutes they wrestled, until they flopped to the floor and Castle panicked. "Oh God – are you - "

"I'm fine – I'm okay", she laughed. "It was a pretty short fall and a soft landing." She scooted over to him and wrapped herself around him. "Thank you", she murmured into his neck. "Thank you for making this so – so okay."

"Just okay?"

"Well – I am still scared, but now – I'm kind of looking forward to seeing our own baby Castle. Just more Castles to love!"

He smiled and kissed her – truly the happiest man on Earth.

"_Sherlock!" _he cried, out of the blue, a few moments later.

"Huh?" She gazed down at him with a confused expression.

"If it's a boy – Sherlock – the greatest detective of all time."

"Sherlock Castle?" Her eyebrows went up and her voice sounded nothing if not – skeptical.

"Yeah, and if it's a girl – _Agatha_!"

"Agatha and Sherlock? Uh Castle?"

"Yeah?" He looked at her with a pleased expression. "What?"

"Over my dead body."


	4. Reflections

_**Thank you again to those of you alerting this story and/or reviewing. A special note to those who leave anonymous reviews. Thank you – and I wish I could respond directly – but I really appreciate you taking the time to review.**_

She stared down at him as he slept, mesmerized by the sight of this man who knew her so well, who knew the right words to say to her, and who brought her such joy. After all that had happened in her life, she sometimes still had trouble believing her luck in finding such a man.

Oh, it was true he could sometimes be immature and annoying. She had accused him in the past of being arrogant as well, but had come to realize that he really wasn't. His confidence – which sometimes translated into arrogance – was simply a disguise that he wore to protect himself. She had come to realize, over the years, that Castle was an extremely sensitive and imaginative man, who could be easily hurt. He'd developed a persona to cope – a brash, irreverent, sometimes silly persona – that charmed people, but kept them from getting too close.

Well, just like he'd battered down her walls, so had she taken down his. She smiled as she gazed at him. He was such a _good_ man and she loved him completely. What was even more amazing, was that he loved _her_ to the bottom of his soul.

And now, she was going to have his baby! When she'd first realized she had missed her period, she'd simply thought that it was because of all the stress she was under. First there had been everything with Bracken, ending up with him finally being arrested. Then there was the wedding and all the last-minute details. She had a _right_ to have been stressed and to assume that had been why she was late. Hell, she'd been on birth control so it should never have even been an issue.

Except you forgot to take your pill that one night, she scolded herself. Because Castle had been beyond relieved that she was alive – and because she had been equally as relieved they had celebrated the night away, and she hadn't given a moment's thought to taking that pill. At least she hadn't until she realized she was over two weeks late.

It had hit her just after she got home from work. She'd fixed herself a bite to eat, had thought about Castle and how he was doing on his book, and had gotten changed into some comfortable, lie-around-the-house clothes. It was only as she had settled back on the couch and opened the latest Patricia Cornwell novel, that for some reason she had thought again about being late. Stress was one thing, but it was already more than two weeks overdue and – she was in a serious relationship – a _very_ serious relationship, with a very active sex life. She'd grinned at that – a very active and _amazing_ sex life.

But the smile had quickly faded and she'd gotten a strange feeling in her gut. She'd tried to convince herself that she was getting anxious over nothing. But ultimately the detective in her won out. She couldn't ignore the facts and so she had to find out if it was true.

Quickly throwing on some clothes she'd run out to the nearest pharmacy. Walking down the 'Family Planning' aisle had given her a strange feeling – as if she somehow didn't belong there, as if she was a fraud. Then she'd been faced with a multitude of packages. Did it matter if it took one minute, two or three to find the results? All of them said they were over 99% accurate and could tell as early as fourteen days. Finally just grabbing one – and then adding two more to be safe – she had made her way to the cashier.

It had been years, since she'd felt embarrassed at buying any kind of feminine product or birth control, but for some reason she had felt terribly uncomfortable placing the tests on the counter. She had felt suddenly like her whole life was exposed and that people would think that of all people _she_ Katherine Beckett, shouldn't dare to try and bring a child into the world. She almost grabbed the tests and said she'd put them back, until the young clerk – looking completely disinterested in the whole thing – asked if that was all and told her the total.

"You know they're supposed to be totally accurate", the woman – more of a girl really – had told her. "One will do."

"Yeah – yeah I know. But – I – it's – here", she handed the money over, figuring she didn't have to justify herself to anyone. Hell, if she wanted to buy 100 pregnancy tests she damn well could!

After returning home she had plunked herself down and simply stared at the bag. Part of her reasoned that if she ignored it, if she didn't take the test, then she wouldn't be pregnant. The part of her that could never lie to herself, told her she had to get up off her ass, go pee on that stick, and find out. She told herself that she would feel much better once she found out that she wasn't pregnant and that it had simply been a false alarm.

"Oh Richard", she had cried softly, wishing he were with her – and then instantly being glad he wasn't. God – what would he have thought at that moment? With that, she had risen to her feet, feeling like an old woman, and made her way into their bathroom. Picking a test at random she had opened the box and read the simply instructions.

"Okay Kate – now or never", she had muttered to herself. She used the test and then set in on the counter beside her. This test said to wait two minutes – but not to leave it any longer than that so as not to get a false reading. So – she had carefully timed it and at one minute fifty-five seconds took a deep breath and reached for the stick.

She didn't know if she could ever describe the feeling that had come over her when she saw that small pink heart. Her first thought, of course, was that there had been a mistake. That had her reaching for, and taking, the second test. It showed two little blue lines instead of a heart. She had a hysterical desire to laugh at the little symbols – two very basic symbols that had completely changed her life.

A moment later – after being faced with a third positive test – she felt something else wash over her. Was it terror? Was it disappointment? Was it joy? The fact was - it was all of those. After the initial disbelief, and then fear, there had been a moment when suddenly everything in her life popped into place – it was almost as if her whole life had led to this incredible moment. That instant was followed immediately by a return of the fear and by the realization that she had no idea how to be a mother, and that they had agreed to wait. Would he be disappointed in her? She didn't know.

But now – now as she lay in bed beside him, she thought back to last evening. After she had seen the all-encompassing joy radiate from him – now she could let go of most of the fear of being a mother, and all of the fear that Castle would somehow be angry. She should have known, _had_ known in fact, even if in her shock she'd let that knowledge hide. Richard Castle loved children and he loved family. In fact, family meant everything to him and there was no way he would be anything other than happy.

She couldn't contain herself any longer. She leaned over and kissed him right beside his closed eye. She smiled at how he twitched in his sleep, so she kissed him again, this time on the cheek. For the next few seconds she placed feather light kissed all over his face, ending finally with his lips.

"Mmm", he murmured. "Nice."

"Castle?"

"Mmm hmm?" he'd replied, his eyes still closed.

"I love you", she'd told him, moving over to curl herself around him.

"I know", he'd said softly, a small, crooked smile suddenly appearing, although his arms remained closed. His arm had moved to pull her closer and stayed wrapped around him. "And I love you too, _and_ I love little Dashiell", he'd mumbled. "But both of you should be asleep. Ts'early."

"Okay", she whispered into the side of his neck, feeling warm and relaxed and safe in his arms. She was silent for a few minutes, as she slowly allowed herself to drift off. Just before she was gone she muttered: "not Dashiell."

* * *

"Come on sleepyhead, time to get up!"

Castle's insistent voice was – very irritating, Kate realized. It was when he pinched her big toe through the blankets that she groaned. "Go 'way!" she muttered. "Wanna sleep."

"Nope! Come _on_ Beckett. Wakey, wakey."

"Why?"

"_Why_? Because we have things to do, plans to make, _decisions_. I've got a nice pot of tea waiting for you and I'm making pancakes. Come on." This time he leaned over and kissed her. "Don't go back to sleep or I'll have to come in and tickle you until you get up."

"Mmm", she groaned again and opened one eye. "What plans? What decisions?"

"Well, we have to figure out names. You haven't liked the ones I've suggested, although I think they're perfect – but you can throw out some suggestions too you know. And of course we'll need to think about a nursery, although I think we should keep the baby with us for the first few months at least. It would be too awkward to have to go upstairs every time it wakes up. Do you have any preferences as to a theme? With Alexis we went with yellow but that's because we didn't know if she was a girl or boy. When she hit about four I had to paint everything pink. I think she would have liked to have been painted pink herself, if I'd allowed it. Oh – and then we'll have to start picking out baby things. There's a lot more stuff even since Alexis was a baby. I've heard of this really great stroller that -"

"_Castle_!"

It was only at that moment that Rick realized his fiancée had been trying to get his attention for the last few minutes. "What?"

"I'm only a few weeks pregnant", she told him gently. "I think we have lots of time to discuss all these things. I'd rather sleep."

"Oh." There was a long pause. "Okay. You sleep. I'll just – I'll just – go – uh, do some stuff."

She could hear the disappointment in his voice and feel it in the way he stood up and turned towards the doorway. Her eyes flew open and she laughed softly. He was so excited and wanted to talk to her about it. Of course he would – this was Castle – and this was her. One of the things they did – and did well – was communicate. Their minds were so often in sink and they liked to shoot ideas off one another and to talk things out until everything made sense. That's what he was doing now – and she had been about to shoot him down.

"Just give me ten minutes to get up", she stopped him as he was almost out of their bedroom, "and I'll be out. Oh, and _no_ mystery writer author names. I am _not_ naming my son or daughter something weird."

"Hey – lots of mystery writers have regular, normal, _boring_ names."

"Fine – those are okay, but no Sherlocks, or Dashiell's or Ngaio's or Hercules!"

"Fine", he'd grinned in reply. "I'll have your pancakes ready and waiting. Hey, we could look up names on the internet", his voice had faded as he'd walked towards the kitchen.

She'd finally allowed a huge smile to break out and then and kicked off the covers. She had a niggling feeling that over the next eight months she was going to learn more about pregnancy and babies than most first time moms ever did. Castle was going to go nuts reading everything ever written, and would want to share it with her. Kevin had nothing on her man.

* * *

"There ya go", he placed a huge, smiley face pancake in front of her with a flourish.

"Oooh – a smiley face! What's the occasion?" She'd quickly learned that smiley face pancakes were considered sacred in the Castle household. They were made for difficult events – to soothe and appease. They were made for joyous events – to laugh and celebrate. They were _not_ however made for no reason whatsoever. "I hope it's something good?" she asked.

"Mmm hmm", he'd answered. "Very good."

"What is it …?"

"I'm going to have a baby with Kate Beckett."

"Yes you are", she nodded seriously, taking a bite of pancake. She frowned slightly when she realized she'd eaten off a corner of the smile.

"And I have to admit that she is a most fortunate woman. I've heard that the father's an amazing guy and that he makes amazing babies."

"You've heard that, have you?" she asked, a twinkle clearly evident. "Well, I must admit that I've heard something similar." She leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "This baby is pretty lucky to have you for a dad you know", she informed him.

He cleared his throat and turned around quickly, seemingly to look for the juice. When he turned back around his eyes were slightly moist, although he had his usual Castle grin on his face. "And even luckier to have you for a mom." He placed his hand over where hers was lying on top of the counter. "Thank you Kate."

"So, how about Christine?" she asked, changing the subject before things got _way_ too maudlin.

"Christine? As in _Cagney_?" he stated knowingly, referring to the old, women's police drama.

"Uh huh. I used to watch reruns and I figured they were two kick-ass women police-officers. I always wanted to be Cagney. And Christine is a normal name."

"Yeah", he said sulkily. "_Too_ normal."

"You want something unusual?"

"Something with character", he nodded. "It can't be just any old name. It has to be special."

"Marge", she replies.

"Marge?"

"As in Gunderson – you know, from Fargo. One of my all-time favorite characters."

"Yeah, I agree – but _Marge_?"

"No, you're right." She sighs and takes another bite of pancake, this time removing an eye. "You know I'm marrying you for your pancakes, don't you."

"Of course", he replies seriously. "Why do you think I've been plying you with them all these months?"

"Ah – so it was a plot!"

"Definitely." He leans on his elbows which are on the counter and regards her as she eats. "Feeling okay this morning?"

She stops for a moment, giving his question the attention it deserves. She knows he isn't asking lightly, that he is still worried about how's she doing with all of this. "Yes, I'm good", she tells him softly. "I mean, I would have liked to have slept a bit more, but as far as the pregnancy is concerned", she reached out and touched his face, "I'm still a bit freaked out, but – there's also a big part of me that's -"

"That's?"

"Happy – just – happy."

His whole face lit up at that. It made her realize that there was no one she knew who could do joy quite like Rick Castle. It made her feel warm to her toes.

After a few minutes of companionable – and cheerful – silence, Castle turned to her. "Uh – when did you want to tell everyone?"

She frowned – she hadn't even thought that far ahead. "Well – not right away. I'd like to enjoy it with just you for a while." She chuckled when she thought of their first night together. "As long as you promise never to hide me in a closet again."

"Okay, I can do that. But – how long do we have to keep it a secret?"

"Well, I want to make sure that – everything's okay – you know? So maybe – after the third month?" At Castle's sudden look of disappointment Kate peered at him sharply. "Wait! You're feeling proud of yourself, aren't you?" she suddenly asked, her eyes narrowed. "You want to call up the guys and brag that you got me pregnant, don't you?"

"Who? Me? Kate, would I do something like that?"

"Yes, you would."

"Okay – but you've got to admit that it's something to be proud of!" he smirked. "I mean, no one else has gotten Kate Beckett pregnant -"

"Oh my gosh – Richard Castle! You did _not_ do this on your own and it's not something to brag about to a bunch of guys."

"I know I didn't do it on my own Kate" he waggled his eyebrows. "I _distinctively _remember you being there – all of you being there – and it was glorious. As for not bragging – Kate, I'm a _guy_. We brag about these kinds of things. Oh, we don't do it overtly – but it's expected."

She sighed and shook her head. "Fine – but you still have to wait until I'm ready for people to know"

"Okay, I won't say a word until you tell me." There was a brief pause and then Rick's face grew serious. "Uh – what about Alexis and my mother? I don't want them to feel –"

"Of course not – and my father. No, we should tell them sooner, but let's wait until Alexis and your mom are back. I don't want to do it over the phone."

"Deal!" He walked around the table and put his arms around her. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Well, you said you didn't get enough sleep, and you _are _pregnant and need your rest – so I thought we'd go back to bed."

"We? You're not pregnant."

"No, but I had to do all the hard work to get you that way", he said with a sideways look, ready to flee if she decided to hit him. "So I need my rest too."

"Just rest?" she answered, giving him _that_ look – the look that said he was walking on thin ice.

"Mmm hmm, rest – right after I make love to this sexy, pregnant lady I know." He pulled her towards the bedroom, a satisfied look on his face.

As much as Kate felt like she should protest – on behalf of women everywhere – she shrugged and went with him. Hell- who cared about all those other women? She had her man, and she was going to enjoy him. "This pregnant lady thinks that sounds fantastic!" As she neared the bed she stopped suddenly, causing him to look at her in enquiry.

"What is it?"

"You know it's important that I remain stress free during pregnancy?"

"Ye-ess", he said, sounding suspicious.

"And that I try to rest and relax more?"

"Uh huh."

"And that my environment is both physically and emotionally healthy?"

"Kate, what are you trying to say?"

"Boba fett – he's gotta go."

Castle took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "Okay – for now. But", he held up his hand, "Lion stays!"

She pulled him towards her and pressed herself into him. With a slow smile she stretched up and laid her lips on the tender spot he so loved on his neck. "We'll talk later – for now – love me Castle.

And that's exactly what he did.

_**Please let me know if you want me to continue with this story – or leave it here. I can go onto the reactions of friends and families – and even through the pregnancy, or leave it as a short story. Reviews and comments will make me decide (no/few reviews will indicate I should stop here). Thank you!**_


	5. Happy Mother's Day Kate

_**Because you asked ... and thank you for the reviews. I really do write more/faster as a result.**_

"Would you come with me?" It had taken her too long to realize that it was okay to bring him. No, it was more than okay – it was necessary. Except for her father, no one else had ever accompanied her to her mother's grave. It was – or had been – a private thing, a way to connect with her mother and not to forget. The thought of taking someone else, if she'd even considered it, would have horrified her. But not now, not anymore. She _wanted_ Castle to come – and, in a strange way, to meet her Mom.

Today was a special day – it was Mother's Day – always one of the more painful days of the year for her, but also a day she put aside for just her Mom and her. Now, however, she wanted to share it – and to share the news that she herself was going to be a mother. And Castle had to be with her for that.

"Of course", was all he said, although it was clear he knew how important this was to her, how huge a step it was to have him join her. She appreciated that he didn't say more, not right now. She needed his presence, not, for once, his words, and he seemed to understand that. "Tell me what you want me to do and I'm there for you."

"Thank you. Uh, can we go now? I know it's early, but there are always a lot of people there later and – I like to be alone." She smiled slightly at that – "and with you, of course."

He nodded and slowly walked towards where she was sitting at the kitchen counter. He leant over and kissed her temple. "Just give me a minute to change and I'll be right with you."

She nodded and watched as he headed off to the bedroom. She looked down at her uneaten breakfast and sighed. She was never hungry before going to the cemetery so, without another thought, she stood and scraped her plate and put it in the dishwasher. Deciding that she too should change she moved towards their room.

They both got dressed in silence, each choosing to wear something a little dressier than normal. Today was a special day and they both knew it. Today was the day that Kate let him into her life, totally and completely. The wall was not just down – it was gone completely.

They stopped briefly to pick up some flowers and then Castle turned the car towards the cemetery. The silence that had begun at home continued, although Castle did throw her a few concerned glances. After a bit she reached out and touched his hand and smiled. "I'm okay – don't worry. I just need things to be quiet and – thank you."

He turned his head slightly and smiled. "Always."

She giggled at that. "I'm afraid you can't claim _always_ when it comes to silence", she told him. "I think you'd explode if you had to be quiet too long."

"Probably", he grinned. "I'm afraid I've been like that my whole life."

"I bet your teachers loved you!"

"Hey, why do you think I attended so many schools? After a while I drove them all insane and they kicked me out."

"Well, I _like_ your talking", she told him affectionately. "But I do appreciate – today."

"Of course", he answered, growing serious. "You know I'm always here for you Kate – that's what I meant."

"I know and again – thank you." They drove the rest of the way not speaking, but this time Rick didn't look at her with concern but only with love.

He pulled into a parking spot and stopped the car and faced her, waiting for her to make the first move. She took a deep breath and then smiled and nodded at him. With that they both got out of the car and began to head down the green and shady path.

"It's beautiful", he said softly, looking around at the gently swaying trees.

"Dad and I picked this spot because we knew she would have loved it." Kate took a few more steps and then stopped. "Can I – would you mind waiting a minute? I just need a second alone."

"Of course. I'll wait here until you tell me."

She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss in reply and then headed towards the grave, laying the flowers down in front of the headstone. She hadn't been here since after Bracken had been arrested. This time, however, the visit felt – gentler, better – than any time in the past. She knew it was not only because she'd gotten justice for her mother – but because she was now looking towards the future, not towards the past. What brought her peace was now the past could be viewed without the bitterness and pain of before. She would always miss her mother – but she could remember her with joy and carry that with her into her life with Castle.

"Hi Mom", she squatted down and touched the gravestone. "Happy Mother's Day." She laughed softly at herself. She didn't know whether to believe in an afterlife or not. She'd always been something of a sceptic and her job had only made her more so. But– she _felt_ her mother's presence at this place and had decided, a long time ago, not to try and be logical or skeptical or to question when she was here. Whether or not there was a heaven for people like her mother – or hell for the people who had harmed her – she didn't know. She _did_ know that her mother was with her – always.

"So, I have some news", she told her softly. "I've told you about Rick – well, it looks like we're going to start a family a little sooner than expected. Yup – I'm pregnant. I know, I know – you always taught me to be smart and careful – but, I love him and we're going to make a life together so – I think you'll be okay with it. I just wish you could be here to see the baby. I was kind of scared at first – didn't think I'd make a good mom, but Castle convinced me that I had a great model in you. And you know what – he was right. I can only hope to be half the Mom you were." She sat for another few moments, remembering times with her mother. Tears fell, but this time they weren't tears of frustration or hopelessness, but tears that honored her mother's memory and told of how much Johanna had been loved, _was_ loved.

"I have a surprise for you", she said suddenly. "I brought Rick with me today. I know you're going to love him. He's – sweet and funny – and he understands me Mom. He actually reminds me of you." With that she stood and again touched the headstone. "I'll be right back."

"Okay?" Castle asked when she strode up to him. He reached out gently and wiped the moisture from her face with his thumb.

"Fine", she smiled. "Come on – I want you to meet her." She wondered briefly if he'd think she was crazy for saying that, but after a moment knew she didn't have to worry. The man who believed in ghosts and time-travel, vampires and zombies, would certainly believe in heaven.

Castle arrived at Johanna Beckett's grave and looked at the headstone. _Vincit omni veritas_ – truth conquers all. Yes, that was fitting, he thought silently. He knew that Kate had been close to her mother – that her adult life had been formed trying to bring justice to her mother. But he also knew that who Kate was – her essential being – had been formed long before Johanna's murder. She had given her daughter a strength of character and a goodness, and a belief in truth and justice that was rare. He knew he owed this woman more than he could ever put into words.

"Hello Mrs. Beckett", he said softly, walking up to the gravestone and squatting down, unconsciously mimicking Kate's earlier visit. "I'm honored to meet you." He stayed quiet for a moment, almost as if listening to her reply. He then continued. "By the way – thank you. Thank you for raising such a wonderful daughter. I'm the lucky man who gets to spend my life with her and I can never tell you how much that means. And I promise you, I will spend that life loving her and caring for her. You have my word. And I guess she told you we're going to have a baby. Well, I can't imagine it having a better grandmother than you so again – thank you."

Kate watched as Rick spoke – staying back enough to allow him some privacy. She could see his profile, and could tell that he was totally serious, totally wrapped up in the moment, even though she couldn't hear what he was saying. He wasn't doing this just for her, she realized as she watched him. He _meant_ this. To him, he really was meeting her Mom, and it was incredibly touching. She smiled, wondering what he was saying – although in an instant she realized she knew. He was promising to love her. She hoped, at that moment, that her Mother _did_ know, _could_ know and could rest, knowing her daughter was finally safe and happy.

Castle stood and turned back towards her. She didn't comment on the fact that his eyes were shining with tears that, being a typical man, he didn't let escape. He gave her one of his serious and heart wrenchingly earnest smiles. "Thank you Kate", he said softly. "You couldn't have given me a greater gift."

That did it. With a quiet sob she completely lost it and began to cry. She felt his arms snake around her and hold on to her, giving her support and love and – just a wonderful shoulder to cry on.

She didn't know quite _why_ she was crying. She wasn't exactly sad, and yet she wasn't quite happy. She was mostly just – fully alive. It was almost as if she was finally letting go of the past and venturing forward. It was wonderful and yet frightening. It was freeing and yet confusing. All she really knew, was that she was grateful that this man would be by her side on this new journey.

She eventually stopped crying, gave a couple of sniffs, and found a tissue magically appearing in her hand. She wiped her tears and blew her nose and suddenly felt like laughing.

"You okay?" he asked, concern thick in his voice.

"I'm fine", she hiccuped and grinned. "Sorry about that. I think I got your suit wet."

"Hey, what's a little wet shoulder between friends?"

"We are, aren't we?" she said wonderingly, stepping back and looking at him.

"Uh?" he raised a brow. "What?"

"Friends. We're friends."

"Yes we are", he smiled. "And lovers", he waggled his eyebrows.

She laughed at that and moved forward to give him a kiss – this time one that was much longer and deeper.

"I think we're getting the evil eye", Castle told her when they finished. He jerked his head over towards an older woman who was standing at a grave, giving them a look of total disgust.

"Let's go", Kate told him, sounding her old confident self. "That's why I like to come early." She reached down and took Rick's hand, wanting to stick her tongue out at the old lady. "She must think we'll scandalize the dead."

"Oh, I'm sure they've seen it all", Rick smirked, following her willingly back down the path. "Probably done it too."

She gurgled and suddenly her day turned happy. She felt a lightness she hadn't remembered feeling in – hell, in years. She wanted to skip, although that really _would_ scandalize the old battle-axe. She wanted to run and twirl and kiss the man beside her. Hell, if they had more privacy she'd want to grab him and make love with him under the trees.

"Whatcha thinking?" he asked, noticing her mood.

"Just that I wish we could make love out here", she told him bluntly.

That got an eyebrow raise – and a glance around. "In a cemetery? That does seem a bit – uh -"

"Kinky?" she asked. She laughed then. "No – I didn't mean _here_ here – I meant outside, under the sun and – isn't it wonderful Rick!"

He stopped and grabbed her free hand and pulled her forward until she was facing him. Her eyes were sparkling and her face was alive with joy. He slowly smiled. "_You're_ wonderful." He drew her closer and touched his lips to hers. It wasn't a passionate kiss, or a particularly deep one – but it contained all the tenderness he was feeling towards her at this moment – the tenderness and the gratitude that she was who she was – and that she had agreed to share his life.

"Yes", he told her when he brought his head up. "It's wonderful. _You're_ wonderful."

* * *

"So – hungry?" he asked, glancing at her at he pulled the car out of the lot. There were many more cars there now and more and more were arriving. Mother's Day was clearly a busy day at the cemetery.

"Starving", she replied. ''Uh, what do you usually do on Mother's Day?" She thought about Rick's mother, who had arrived home yesterday and of Alexis, who had been back in New York since Thursday, although she'd been staying at a girl friend's after stopping by to say hello. She was moving back into the loft this afternoon and Kate wasn't quite sure if Rick had made any plans or not. She suddenly realized, with a guilty feeling, that she hadn't thought at all about Martha or anyone else. Mother's Day had always been about her own grief and pain. She grimaced silently. That would have to change.

"Well, we usually go out for lunch to some fancy place. You'll notice that my Mother made sure to arrive back in town _before_ Mother's Day? She never misses it. Claims that it's for me, although I suspect she loves being pampered and treated to a special day. I always get her something and she _loves _that."

Kate glanced at him, wondering if he really knew how much Martha adored him. Oh, it was true she loved to be the center of attention – she was an actress, after all – but Kate had gotten to know her well enough to know the woman would do anything for her son. She was pretty sure that Mother's Day was just as much about Rick as it was about Martha – although neither of them would ever admit it.

"Sounds nice", she said. "You realize, of course, that next year _I'll_ be a mother too", she informed him cheekily.

"And I assume you'll want a fancy dinner and a gift too?", he sighed as if put upon by the women in his life.

"Hmmm? How about breakfast in bed?"

"Oh, I could definitely arrange that!" he told her, the innuendo clear in his voice.

"Richard Castle! Is that _all_ you ever think about?"

"Yes, of course it is."

She laughed and settled back in the seat. "So, what restaurant? I assume you've made a reservation?"

He glanced at her warily. "Uh – yeah – although I wasn't going to say anything in case you weren't up to it."

"Oh, I'm up to it all right. Will Alexis be joining us?"

"Uh huh. I told her to be on standby. Kate?"

"Yes?"

"What if we tell them over lunch? I thought it would be fitting for Mother's Day."

"That would be perfect", she agreed, "although you realize that there will be a commotion when we tell them."

"I'm counting on it!"

* * *

"_Mother_", he called, as soon as they arrived. A moment later Martha came floating down the stairs, dressed in her usual flamboyant but somehow perfect for her clothes.

"Richard!" she floated over to him and gave him an affectionate kiss on the cheek. "Where were the two of you?"

"Oh, we just had to run an errand -" Rick started to say.

"We went to the cemetery to visit my Mom's grave", Kate told her, giving his hand a quick squeeze. She appreciated what he was doing, but suddenly realized that Martha was going to be her family now too. And the woman deserved the truth.

"Really?" Martha turned to her and gave her a hug. "I'm so sorry darling. Today must be hard for you."

"It's okay", Kate answered, surprised and touched at the affection from the older woman. She returned the hug and then, when it was finished, stepped back and looked at the unusually serious sounding actress. "It was better this year – arresting Bracken and having Rick with me – it was nice."

"And I'm sure your mother is desperately proud of you! I know Richard is and so is Alexis and so am I."

"What is Alexis?" the girl herself spoke as she tripped downstairs. "Hi guys. I hope it's okay but I came over a while ago with some of my stuff. I was just putting things away."

"Of course it's okay", Rick answered, giving his daughter a hug. "This is your home Pumpkin."

"So, what am I?" Alexis asked again, giving Kate a quick hug and then looking at the three of them questioningly.

"Oh, I was just telling Kate how proud of her we all are – for what she did to get justice for her Mother."

Alexis turned to her, a solemn look on her face. "Yes, Gram is right – we _are_ proud of you Kate. What you did was – amazing. Your Mom has to be proud too."

These people were quite incredible, she realized, looking at each of them. "Thank you Alexis, Martha, that means a lot coming from you, and I couldn't have done it without Rick. Now – so we don't all get too maudlin, I think a celebration is in order." She regarded Martha with a twinkle. "Happy Mother's Day Martha."

"Why thank you dear", she smiled in return. "Richard? Where are we going?"

"Going Mother? Why would you think we're going anywhere?"

"They think they're so witty, don't they?" Martha asked Kate. "I'll get my purse and then we should get going. The traffic is going to be terrible. Did you call for a car?" she asked her son as she sailed towards the stairs. "Alexis, are you ready?"

"Yup, all ready Gram."

"You see my life", Castle shook his head. "Controlled by women!"

"Of course", his wonderful fiancée smiled at him. "Just the way it should be."

He eyes her askance. "I assume from that that you're going to continue the tradition set by my mother and daughter?"

"Of course", she kissed him. "And don't tell me you'd want it any differently!"

"No", he sighed as he watched the three women in his life chatting, "I don't suppose I would."

* * *

"So, where are we going?" Alexis asked. "I heard about this trendy new place that's supposed to have great tapas" she looked at her father out of the corner of her eyes, "and gorgeous waiters!"

"Yes, well, you and your girlfriends can try that out", he told her. "I'm afraid that gorgeous waiters aren't on my 'must see' list."

"Now if it were _waitresses_, that would be different", his loving soon-to-be wife commented.

"Nope", he said virtuously. "I have sworn off all beautiful women – except mine!" he put his arm around Kate and hugged her. "Now, let's go."

Kate realized, only after they were all in the car, that Richard still hadn't said where they were going. She was surprised, therefore, that instead of pulling up to a fancy and trendy Manhattan restaurant, the car stopped in front of what looked like a small, family run Italian place.

"Oh Richard", Martha cried. "I haven't been here for _ages_." She turned to Kate. "I usually don't indulge in Italian", she confessed, "except on my birthday and Mother's Day. You are in for _such_ a treat Kate."

Alexis nodded. "They have the _best_ food here. I haven't been to Georgio's _forever_. I wonder how Adriano is doing?"

"Adriano is the son", Martha whispered. "_Very_ handsome."

Kate grinned and got out of the car after Martha. She was still surprised that this is where they had come, since most of the places Rick had taken her to had been either really upscale, or quick lunch spots such as Remy's. "This looks interesting." she said to him softly.

"Mmm hmm", he told her, guiding her in with his hand on the small of her back. "I discovered this place just after it opened – before I sold my first book. The food was great and plentiful – and cheap, which I needed at the time. Georgio let me eat here a few times when I didn't have enough to really pay – in return I told all my friends about him. As his business grew he never forgot me and we became friends. Now I only bring really special people here. It's kind of -" he shrugged.

"Your secret place?"

"Yeah", he grinned. "No reporters, no women – just good food and friends."

She was somehow thrilled that this is the place he'd chosen to bring them. Every day was a new revelation in their relationship. She liked the fact that he treasured a place that meant something more than a night out on the town. This place was _real_ and showed the real Rick.

"Ricardo!" a small, rather effusive man approached and threw his arms around Castle. "It has been too long my friend. And the lovely Martha!" she got another hug and kisses on each cheek. "And this beautiful woman – who is this?" he was looking at Alexis, a decided sparkle in his eyes. "I do not think I have met such a lovely woman before. Are you sure you are with this man?" he leaned forward and gestured towards Castle.

Alexis giggled. "You are a bad man Mr. Mattera!" She was given another big hug, although immediately afterword Georgio looked at Castle.

"I hope you have your shotgun handy Ricardo. You will need it with this one. She is a beauty!"

"That she is Georgio", he answered with pride. "And by the way – where's that son of yours?"

"Adriano? He is around somewhere! He just graduated you know – top of his class. He has already been hired – by a firm in the village."

"Congratulations! He studied law, right?"

"That is right. He did well and could have gotten a job at a big firm, but instead chose to work in a smaller firm that is committed to providing real justice to everyday people. He is a good boy."

"You must be proud. Tell him we said hi."

"I will", Georgio answered, although by this time he had espied Kate and was regarding her curiously. "And who is this gorgeous woman?" he asked. "You have never brought a beautiful woman here before Richard – except for Martha and Alexis of course. I am curious." He reached out and took Kate's hand and gave it a courtly kiss. "Although whoever you are, you are welcome!"

Richard laughed. "Down Georgio – she is definitely with me. This is my fiancée -"

"Ah", the restaurateur interrupted, "you are _the_ Kate Beckett! I am honored to welcome you to my humble restaurant. You are as beautiful as I have heard – and also very brave – at least you must be to take on this one!"

Kate laughed but looked at Rick curiously. "Uh, you've heard of me?"

"Of course. My wife is a huge reader of mysteries – me, I have less time. But she follows everything Richard writes and does and told me – oh, a long time ago, that he was in love with the real Nikki Heat and would one day marry her. As usual my wife was correct."

"And where is the omniscient Maria?" Castle asked.

"She will be here. She is in the back, making up the world's best pasta for you. Now come, you must be seated." He led them to a little table out back, in a courtyard that reminded Kate of something out of old Italy.

"This is charming!" she said, looking around. This was so much nicer than a big, fancy restaurant.

"Yes, isn't it", Rick said as he pushed in her chair and then did the same for Martha and Alexis. "I've always loved it here."

"Is it true you haven't brought any other women here?" she asked quietly.

"Mmm hmm. It always felt like a family place", he shrugged.

"But Meredith? Gina?"

He shrugged again and looked slightly embarrassed. She couldn't help but catch Martha winking at her and felt absurdly pleased. She, Kate Beckett, was family. That meant everything!

"So, what's good?" She looked around as the others all laughed, wondering what was going on.

"Sorry Katharine", Martha explained. "_Everything_ is good. They simply bring us whatever they're cooking and we eat way too much of it. Just sit back and enjoy. Oh – and we need to have a bottle of wine. You can't have Italian food without wine."

Kate looked over at Rick and nodded. Now would probably be a good time to tell them. "Uh, I think I'll just have water or juice", she told the older woman, who was looking around trying to catch Georgio's eye.

"What?" Martha looked at her in surprise. "Oh no dear, you must have at least _one_ glass. I believe it's a requirement."

"Well, I don't really think I should", she said gently. "I'm not drinking right now."

"Not -? But why ever not? You certainly don't have a problem with it since I know I've seen you have a glass or two. And it better not be because you're trying to lose weight for your wedding, because I've got to tell you Kate – you don't need to!"

"No – it's not that." She suddenly felt incredibly nervous and looked to Castle to help her. "It's just – uh. _Castle_?" she entreated.

"What Kate's trying to say Mother, Alexis, is that she _can't_ drink – at least not for another eight months or so. It wouldn't be good."

"Wouldn't be good?" Martha looked confused, although Kate could see Alexis' eyes grow big. "Whatever do you – _no_!" They could both tell the moment she got it.

"Oh my God – you're _pregnant_?" Alexis squeaked. "Really? Is it true?"

"Yes", Kate nodded, praying that Alexis' reaction was one of excitement, not anger.

"Pregnant?" Martha said, sounding overwhelmed. "Really? But – oh my goodness. That's – that's _wonderful_." The woman's eyes grew moist and she suddenly stood up and gave her son a huge hug and then immediately went over to Kate and did the same. "Oh my dear, do you _know_ what you're getting yourself into? Richard's baby! You'll never have another moment of peace."

Kate laughed but her eye was still on Alexis, who was also teary eyed, but was now enveloped by her father's hug. He was murmuring something to her but she couldn't tell what. Only when she heard Alexis giggle did she begin to feel like everything might be okay.

The young woman stood up and walked the short distance to Kate. "Gram's right you know – the baby's going to be a handful. _Congratulations_ Kate. I always wanted a sibling you know."

"Thank you", she answered, feeling choked up and giving Alexis a huge hug. "I couldn't wish for a better big sister. You'll have to train it how _not_ to be like its father."

"HUH! I heard that. I'll have you know I was a wonderful son."

"Yes", Martha fanned herself. "He was – although I never knew a moment's peace all the time he was growing up. You were a handful Richard, admit it."

"But cute!" he grinned.

"Yes – you were that."

Suddenly everyone was laughing and talking and asking questions. Kate grew rather quiet as she listened to the Rodgers/Castle clan. Her child was going to grow up in an amazing and loving family. She reached under the table and took Rick's hand. He glanced at her, his brows raised in a question.

"I love you", she mouthed.

He grinned and kissed her hand. "Happy Mother's Day Kate."


End file.
